Tuesday, May 20, 2014

some days it don't pay

My wife came home, with something evidently on her mind.

"Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little, promising smile, then reached into her cleavage and slowly pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar bill.

Wow, this seemed to be 'going places.'

"Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said with anticipation.

She gave me another sexy little smile, and slowly and seductively reached into her panties and pulled out a crumpled fifty dollar bill.

I was getting curious at this point.

"Now," she said, "Have you ever seen 30,000 dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

She then said, "Well, go and take a look at our car in the garage."

Monday, May 19, 2014

Life is simpler if you mind your own business

Yesterday I was at Sam's Club, buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Owen , the Wonder Dog and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?

So because I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete, (certified), so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I had stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

Sam's Club won't let me shop there anymore.